Have you ever cried after a run?
Not because you are sad, but because you are past what used to be your why. Because this time around it feels amazing to feel strong again, instead of feeling so weak even though you were strong.
Have you ever cried because it just felt good to run that far. Because you felt so much gratitude. Not because you are capturing the past, you are creating the future. This time you aren’t running to cope, you are running to create. Because the people you come home to, they know. They understand. They get you like no one else GETS you.
Between you and I….. that was me last night.
I live for this shit.
I live for that high.
I live for that feeling.
It’s been burning deep within me. The feeling that commands your attention and convinces you to follow your dreams regardless of how insane they are, how much you have previously denounced them, and how big they are. The one that doesn’t give one f*ck what others think of it, because your dreams are yours and as we have discussed before….. one person gets to write this story. That person is you.
I feel so deeply connected again to the people that are on this path with me. What seems so silly to those who aren’t on it are the ways in which I hold hands with the people I love so much.
As much as I tried to walk away… these are my people. This is my path and this is my life. I can pay attention to the dark souls, or I can spread the light one sun beam at a time.
I cried after I finished that run because it felt so damn good. These miles feel good. Easy is easy again and the path forward is not in question anymore. But this time it’s the experience I crave more than the podiums. In ten years I will look back as I look back ten years ago, and I remember the experiences we all created together.
I cried because I have been through some shit that took this all away from me. I have always been grateful for what I can do and where this body can take me and I have never taken that for granted. I abused the privilege a few times and I climbed out of the deepest physical hole I have ever been in.
I cried because …. because it makes me feel alive. I love being toe to toe with myself. I love getting to the very core of it all. I love peeling off my running shoes and seeing my bloody toes, not because I love the sight of blood, but because I didn’t feel a thing. I can bleed again and not feel it and that to me is a very strange form of freedom.
I cried because home gets to be home. And when I walk in the door they understand why the tears are there. They get it. They know. They are my people. This is my life. This life is the greatest privilege and I cried because that is never lost on me.
I cried because I miss the ones who aren’t here to share this. I cried because of all of it.
I hope today, that I get to cry again.